feeling

 There's a feeling you get when everything seems to be going wrong. Not an emotion, so much as a physical thing. Sometimes, it comes as a headache or a stomach ache. Other times, you get a major surge of energy. But, mostly, it feels like a blanket is covering your whole body. Like every inch of your skin is hidden from the rest of the world so that only the issue at hand is revealed. 

And when everything seems to be going wrong, some people will shrink away and hide from or ignore their problems. They'll avoid reality and hope it takes care of itself. But then there are people who find that they can't hide. That feeling pushes them to do everything in their power to make the situation right. It gives you this internal drive to help anyone and everyone affected by whatever's happening. Everything is going wrong, but you're doing everything to make it right.

As I sat there, hoping he was okay, I suddenly had that drive. There were a million other things I should've been doing, but I chose to sit there and help her calm down, help him understand that the darkness can be avoided. But then this fear, this panic, asked over me, and I remembered, once again, what it was like to be there. Not only was he going through what I had been through, not only was she sitting in the same spot as I once was, but i, too, went back to that place. If only for a minute, I went back to that fear, that panic and sadness that comes when one is about to end too early. For a moment, I stood in his shoes, wanting nothing more than to end the pain. I stood in her shoes, wishing he would talk to me and be okay. 

But then I came back to reality. Countless times, I have stood in their places. Countless times, I have wondered and worried. But this time? This time was different. I stood in a new pair of shoes. A pair that was less confused and more prepared. I stood there, after that moment of fear, and I knew. Things would be okay. And if they weren't right away, they would be okay again. 

I guess that feeling, looking at it now, isn't like a blanket. It doesn't hide you from the world or protect you from the monsters outside. The momentary blanket gives you a taste of something millions of others have felt. It seems terrible at the time, dread, fear, anxiety taking over your every thought. But it gives you what you need for the future. That fear can be suffocating. But you can still make a hole to breathe.