It Hurt

 I miss him. His laugh. His smile. 

My brother used to joke about it. He said he would do it if he got any more homework, or if he didn't get on the basketball team. I always laughed, but I never really thought it was funny. 

I don’t think he did either. 

Our dad died before I was born, about three months before, when TJ was a really little kid; he died in a construction accident. We only had our mom. You can’t really consider her as a mom, though, because she’s not exactly, and wasn’t ever, a very involved person. She was always drunk or doing God knows what. We never really relied on her, honestly, I still don’t, because she didn't really seem to care about either of us. 

TJ used to run away from home. He’d be gone for a day or so, and come back with a few new scars. He always managed to avoid talking about them. Sometimes I'd go with him. We had a special spot on the river that we would spend all of our time at, and no one seemed to know it existed. Or that we existed.

Seeing as I was really antisocial, TJ was the only person I could talk to. I wasn’t introverted, per say, but I didn't have anyone but him. He got bullied a lot at school because he was the "Goth Kid," which just further influenced the fact that he was incredibly depressed. It was really bad sometimes. 

One time, we were climbing a tree along the river. He fell and got a huge gash on his leg that was gushing blood. I didn’t really notice, and figured he was just tired of climbing, so I kept going. Instead of trying to stop it, though, he just laid down in the grass and let it bleed. I noticed it before he had lost much blood, fortunately, and I fixed his wounded leg. I had become really good at that. 

As time went by, he seemed to get sadder and sadder. Every day he was slightly more somber, and my old tricks of cheering him up weren’t working. 

One day, he left. He was gone for a couple of days. Three, I think. Mom didn't do anything. She said, “He’ll be back. No big deal.” She always said that. I don’t think she ever cared that her children ran away. She probably figure, “If they don’t come back, I can spend their savings on more booze.” 

Day three was when I started to become worried because TJ was never gone for more than two days. I called the local police, filed a missing person report, and I told them about our spot. They asked me why my mom hadn't done anything. I didn’t really know what to say. I didn’t want to lie, but it was complicated, you know. There was no sign of TJ for another day. I was really hoping he hadn't done something stupid. 

He didn’t 

Day four was when I got the call. Mom was drunk, passed out on the couch. I answered the phone. “We found him,” they said. “He's at the place you told us about. The uh, river. The one in the south end of town.” “I'm on my way,” I had replied. I was so excited to see my brother again. I had begun to worry about him. Being the way he was and all, it scared me. 

When I had gotten to our spot, I became I even more scared. Cop cars were everywhere. I slowed my pace, absent-mindedly. When I reached the area everyone was crowded around, I fell to my knees. Not in the dramatic movie way, but in more of a clumsy “I tripped over air” way. There he was. Frozen. Ice plastered to almost every inch of TJ’s bare skin. His eyes were open and clouded, and his left hand was clenched. The EMTs were putting him on the stretcher when I came. “Stop,” I had yelled, breathlessly. When no one paid any attention, I yelled again, a bit more force in my voice. Everyone looked at me. Good, I thought. 

At the time, no tears escaped my eyes. I was mad more than anything. I was probably sad, but all I remember is being angry at TJ. “Leave him there,” I said. “I want to bury him here.” “We have to have an Autopsy done on him, hon,” A small woman said. “Can’t you see what happened!? Why can’t you just write some report explaining what happened to him, and leave him alone? Why,” I had stopped myself before the tears started pouring. I sighed, my breath shaking. The few people holding him set TJ back on the ground. “I-I’m sorry, dear. I didn’t mean to upset you,” the woman whispered. I nodded my head, but I didn't say anything or make eye contact. Slowly everyone filed out. I slowly stood and walked over to him. Laying my head on his chest, I tried not to cry. I'd done everything in my power to help him, but it wasn't enough. I ran my hand over his eyelids, attempting to close his eyelids. They’d been frozen, so it didn’t work very well. I love you, I whispered.  I put his frozen hands in mine. The winter air didn't help. I'd put his left one in my pocket so it would thaw. I had known something was in there. A few minutes later the head cop guy tapped on my shoulder. He asked me if I wanted to call my mom. Yeah, I'd said. He gave me his phone. I dialed the house number. Voicemail. "Hey mom," I'd started. "I-I need you to do me a favor. Uh, bring some chips and a blanket. And a shovel... please. Uh, he's gone, mom. He left us. And I'm going to take care of him. Anyway, bring all of that stuff to the spot, would you? Um, our spot, to be specific. Please. See you, I... I guess." I hung up, my mind full of misery and sadness. Why'd you leave me, I thought. You left me to fend for myself. I'm all alone now. No friends, no one to talk to, no one. I wish you would come back. 

The officer came to retrieve his phone, interrupting my thoughts. Eventually, everyone that had been there left. I cried as I was left in the bitter cold with my dead brother in my lap. I had put his head on my legs so I could run my fingers through his hair. His hand had thawed out enough that I could pry his fingers open. He had a small bag in it. I tore it open, my sadness washing over me. A small ring and a piece of paper was in it. I cried as I read the note. 

Alex, he'd written. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done what I did. I left you. But I can't undo it. I just couldn't handle it. It was like million-pound weights were on my shoulders every day. It was hard. I had to get out, and you know it. 

Just promise me something. While I'm gone, don't forget me. I got you the ring as a reminder of how much I love you. But don't feel bad for me. Don't mourn me when I'm gone. Just know that I'm out of my misery. I love you. And you can do it. I don't want you to be lonely. Make this an opportunity to change. To make friends. Find someone. You can do it. I believe in you, even if you don't believe in yourself. 

See you on the other side, Sis. I love you with all my heart. ~ Your big bro, TJ.

 

I bawled my eyes out for what seemed like forever after reading that. I already missed him. Losing someone you love isn't as easy as everyone thinks. Especially when its the only person you had left. My mom showed up with a shovel and a blanket. She had dark sunglasses on and a cigarette hanging from her mouth. She plopped the stuff down and sat next to me. I was a great mom, she said sarcastically. I'm really sorry Al. She'd leaned her head on my shoulder at that point. After a few hours, she had left. I got up and started digging. The blanket was wrapped around my shoulders by the time I had finished. It had been hard. Moving him. Once I got him in the hole, I kissed his forehead, cried a little, then started putting the dirt over him.  I heard footsteps behind me, which had made me stop. It was a blonde boy. I didn't know his name, but I recognized him from school. "Hey," he said. "I heard... about him. I'm sor-" I cut him off. "I don't want your condolences. It won't help. He can't be brought back." Tears started filling my eyes. The boy walked towards me and embraced me. Being in a vulnerable state, I hugged him back. I'd cried into his shoulder. He wasn't the same as my brother, but his presence had made me feel slightly better. Is this what you meant TJ, I thought. The boy pulled away from me. I'm Trey, he said. Alex, I mumbled. He meant a lot to you, didn't he? I've seen you two around a lot. You seemed close, he said. I bit my lip. You should go, I whispered. Please. The tears started falling again. Trey stared at me. Ok. But, if you ever need it, I live two houses down from you. You can swing by if you want He looked at me one more time and then left. After a while, I had left. I needed some sleep. After that, I didn't eat, sleep, drink, anything for three weeks straight. My mom tried a few times to make me feel better, but nothing did. I had his ring hanging from a chain around my neck. His note lived in my pocket. I made up my mind one day. I wanted to go see that boy. He made me feels little better that terrible day. His words, two doors down, had rung through my mind in that instance. I'd left, off to his house, that day. The winter air had stung as soon as I stepped outside. I knocked on his door. He answered luckily. When he'd seen me, he was shocked. Impulsively, I wrapped my arms around his neck and cried. He pulled me into his house. I hadn't cried at all in the past three weeks, and it was all falling out. I'm sorry, I cried into his neck. Don't be, he replied simply. It was then that I had known he'd be the one I needed. It was then, that I knew I could let go of TJ, and live my life.